It's That Time Again (And I Won't Forget!)

Employment might not be too far away.
I'll be working with the MRDD group in town, specifically helping with the care of a 24-year-old autistic deaf man. I'll have to be awake overnight a few times a week, BUT, I get to use that time mostly however I please- some cleaning will be involved but mostly I just have to make sure I'm awake in case he decides to get up for some reason. It sounds like a fantastic opportunity. I get to experience working with autism, and with a deaf person. It's a great opportunity to learn ASL (something I have been considering for some time off and on), and it's something moderately related to my field.
But bitch bitch, I never feel appreciated.
It's the same old story.
My mom (of course, as per usual) has a problem with this job, because god forbid I should have to drive out of town to do anything, ever.
I'm just frustrated that nothing I ever give two cents of a shit about is ever met with any positive response from my mother. It feels like nothing I do will ever be good enough for her. And I know this comes off as bitchy and angsty but I don't know what else to do. No one seems to have any advice for me, and everyone seems too keen to jump on the "let's all agree your mom sucks"bandwagon instead of trying to help me understand.

Today's just been a weird day. But I promise good things are happening. I'm learning to play the dumbek (a middle eastern drum), I have lots of drawings in the works, and I'm finally getting around to reading the entire collection of works by Edgar Allen Poe. And with the new job opportunity in sight, I'm trying to overlook the roadblock I ran into today. But living with my mom makes these things hard, and when it seems the only things I'm passionate about are the things that hit the most roadblocks, it reminds me that I have a lot to work on with my mom....


...but it also reminds me that I must be doing the right thing, because anything worth doing is never easy.

Well That Didn't Last Long: Getting Back on the Proverbial Horse (Again)

And I've missed another Thursday blog post. I had been on a roll there for a bit and then just completely fell off the wagon. But that's to be expected as part of the process, really. You don't form a habit without a few muff ups; we're not perfect, after all.

A few updates for you:
I'm on week six (ish) of the 100 Push Ups Challenge. I have not been consistent with my every-other-day workout, but I have definitely not abandoned it. It just makes keeping up with the workout a little harder. If anything it makes the challenge a bit *more* challenging, which in some weird way is kind of cool.

My pile of "stuff" still grows, though I've taken three carloads to Good Will. The pile is definitely not growing as fast, however, and that's great! I have possibly one more carload, and then I'll continue with my war on stuff (and a growing donation to Good Will that will probably surprise me when I go to write it off my taxes for this year). I've made it a good chunk of the way through my room, leaving basically my vanity and my desk to be gone through, unless I dig behind the entertainment center and bookshelf, which contains mostly old art pieces of mine anyway.

Speaking of art pieces, my creative influx has inflated lately. So many ideas, so little time! Well...I actually have lots of time but I can only work so long before I go stiff and get sore. Some of the empty spaces on my wall will have purposes soon, and although I don't want to acquire more meaningless "stuff," the intention behind these pieces is to be motivational and positive; something I can see every day to boost my morale. So I guess that means they're not meaningless, at least. I have a concept for a self portrait in the works that I'm tweaking until I'm satisfied with, and a poster on taking my life into my own hands that is somewhere around half-ish drawn and inked.

Not sure if I mentioned but I got my first piece of mail from the Peace Corps earlier in February, and now all my recommendations are in, so I'm waiting to hear from them again. I'll be needing to send them fingerprinting information and all kinds of wonderful stuff like that before I can be interviewed. The same goes with a potential job- I had an interview, and am now waiting to hear back from my potential employers.

And while I'm on my list of self-improvement, I stepped on a scale yesterday. Ugh. 190. Not a pretty number. Today I start walking, or biking, or something. I need some cardio or I'm never going to get into better shape (which I'm sure the nice Peace Corps people will want me to be). It would be nice for my shirts to fit, although I'm glad I can still slip my pants on so easily. That's always a plus.
But yes, the next plan in this great experiment of truth is to find something physical I can do that I also enjoy doing repeatedly.
I enjoy dancing. English country dancing, contra dancing, even the Bollywood style dancing I did for the Holi celebration last year. If I could get over the self image issue of me in a room with a bunch of skinny witches I might actually take a dance class. Either way I'm going to try and put together some kind of routine.
It only takes 27 days to form a habit, so just every day for three-ish weeks, then I'll have the habit and can work from there. Perhaps a 30 Day Challenge is in order, yes?

What kind of personal goals are you working on right now?
I think once I get my activity habit started, I should work on some of my cleanliness issues.....I have clothes EVERYWHERE at the moment. 

Out of Habit

I had a good run of posts going, then I fell off the horse, as is part of the process. I promise I'll come back! I'm determined to keep this blog going for a while. 

An Exercise in Cultural Differences

My apologies for missing last week. Life has been crazy; My mom's in the hospital and all that. And this week I have a copy/paste exercise from my Peace Corps prep training that I'm going to share with all of you. I'm also interested in knowing all of your responses to these scenarios: 

The Volunteer Experience: Can I Still Be Me?

Please read the incidents below, which could happen in any culture you might be introduced to. After you read the selections, you will have a chance to reflect upon what you've read and write your thoughts in a private online journal.

HOLDING BACK?

You work as an environmental educator in a government ministry under an older host country national—who is much less technically competent than you. At staff meetings, you routinely outshine him, which causes him acute discomfort. Today, he asked you not to speak at meetings and especially not to disagree with him, even, and especially, if what he says is incorrect. What should you do?

-My response: Well, he said not to speak at meetings, right? So I talk to him after the meetings, and in with the intention of not trying to outshine him, but as a way to try and help. If he is less technically competent, would he be willing to learn from me and improve his skills? 

DRAWINGS

As a Volunteer urban planner you review and sign off on staff draftsmen's drawings before sending them to higher management. There is a new draftsman who is incompetent but is a cousin of the division head. Tomorrow you will be reviewing his first drawings. This afternoon your supervisor said you can expect these drawings to be unacceptable, but asked you to approve them anyway to avoid trouble with the boss or to unnecessarily embarrass the cousin. How should you respond?

-My response: In an ideal universe, I would still approve them, but with a list of constructive criticism. I would also be discussing with the other draftsmen to help improve not only his drawings, but possibly even mentor him to help improve his skills. I would of course have to run all of this by the boss, with the understanding I do this only out of a deep respect for my boss. 

FRIENDLY ADVICE

You teach in a rural area and eat often at a local tea shop run by a low-caste family with whom you are very friendly. Today, your headmaster advised you to stop eating there. He says it hurts your social standing and indirectly hurts the reputation of his school for you to be seen so often in the company of untouchables. What do you do?

-My response: The use of the phrase "untouchables" here makes me think I'm in India, even though I know India is not open to Peace Corps volunteers. In the context of India, charity is highly regarded, even to untouchables. As such, I might sadly have to end my lunches there, but might ask for recipes and give donations to the family in return. 

Based upon the scenarios you just read and your initial impressions of Peace Corps service, reflect on the following questions.

• What do you think will be especially difficult for you to adjust to in your host country?
• What would you want to know about the culture in which you will be living in order to help guide your response?
• What might be some positive aspects of being in your host country, and how might these help compensate or ease some of the difficulties?
• In order to ease the transition and adapt to life overseas, you may need to make some temporary, yet fundamental concessions. What adjustments or changes are you willing to make?
• What personal qualities do you think are important for adjusting to life as a Volunteer? Do you have these qualities?

-My biggest adjustment is going to be realizing how far away I am from all my loved ones, but I will supplement that feeling of distance with the knowledge that I am doing something much bigger with my life than I had ever dreamed. I learned from my study abroad and from moving back home with my mom how important it is to keep busy. I will just have to have several side projects- oh darn! 

-As far as what I would want to know about the culture: I would be better equipped to answer these questions if I knew the views on women, elders, work dynamics between sexes, charity to the poor, possibly any holidays where castes were flipped on their heads (still thinking of India here) where it would be appropriate to be seen with untouchables, etc etc. These are just off the top of my head.

-These scenarios in and of themselves would be positive aspects. Stressful though they may be, dealing with them and overcoming these obstacles would teach me very marketable skills and help me grow as an individual who is more capable of handling herself in varied environments. But that aside, I think the positive aspects of my host country would be the people. I have so much to learn from them: History, language, an entire world of knowledge never before opened to me. It's like walking into a library the size of an entire country- so many books, and only a limited amount of time!

-I am willing to go back into the closet, for one. I would be willing to dress to societal norms for my sex. I'd be willing to hide my face if need be, even remove my piercings and grow out my hair. I'm willing to live in conditions that are not as comfortable as my situation at home. The list goes on and on. 

-Independence. But not independence as we necessarily see it. Independence more in the sense that  you can do something yourself, and that sometimes you really need others, and the ability to tell the difference between these situations. I'm definitely independent, and I recognize that I can't always go it alone. I'm working on telling the difference, though. 

How would you respond to these scenarios? And how would you answer these questions? I'm interested in hearing your thoughts!

Perfect Day, Part 2 OR Damn, I Crave Bohemia

Alas, another day-late blog.
But don't worry, at the end of this post I also have figured a way to make it up to you wonderful readers!
So anyway, on to Perfect Day, Part 2:

When I first wrote the scenario of my perfect day, I never imagined I could actually accomplish such ideals. Looking at my life currently, I realize that I have in fact managed to incorporate, slowly and quietly, the ideals I wish to have in my perfect day without even really thinking about it. Every day is productive and pleasurable; a perfect balance of work and play. I cook, I clean, do dishes and draw, work out and read. Sometimes I even manage to get some videogaming in.
My perfect day is not quite  perfect, however. A few important things are missing yet: My Earthship; my perfect, self-sustainable home, for one. Secondly, I'm still single, but this actually isn't as bothersome as one might think. I have enough projects to keep me busy that I'm rarely lonely, even though I'm missing another thing: My friends. I see them once or twice a week, sometimes more (others much less), and I'd like to see them more. I also realize that not every day can be perfect, so I cherish my weekly meetings like the rarest diamond on Earth. And of course the biggest item missing is the fact that I'm not being paid.
Down to my last three hundred dollars again, and I'm quickly reminded I can't be a bohemian forever. I'm still filling out job applications, sending out my resume, making phone calls, and hoping. But part of me still wishes I could have this life forever. Until I can afford my Earthship I will have to resign myself to the dreaded "job," lest I become a mooch for the rest of my life. And I must say, I would rather be a mensch than a mooch. Now that I have the ideal day down, I might try practicing a life of unconventional work. I just have to figure out where to start.
 Even caring for my mom has been easier lately; my mood is lifted and I feel almost completely back to my overly-optimistic old self. Simply changing small habits, one at a time, I have crafted for myself my perfect world within an imperfect bubble as I attempt to make my ideal day a complete reality.

What have you done to make your perfect day a reality? What kind of bumps have you run into along the way, and what have you learned about what you really value?

One of these days I plan to grow up, I promise.
But when I do, you probably won't recognize it for what it is.

----------
And now, for my day-late apology, I have a fun addition to my usual posts:
Motivational Music for the Non-Conformist





I begin this segment with one of my favorite songs of all time: "Believe," by The Bravery. This has been one of my theme songs for years, and continues to be a big morale booster equally when I'm in good moods and bad.
The lyrics of this song embody every discontent I have with life. The chorus rings out "So give me something to believe, 'cuz I am living just to breathe, and I need something more to keep on breathing for- so give me something to believe." This is how I feel about life. Not my life personally, but the overall fatalism that seems to infect our society. You are a child, you have fun, you grow up, go to college, get a real job, and are unhappy until you retire, then you're allowed to have fun again. Or at least that is the impression I get. With an anthem that asks the questions like "We do our time like pennies in a jar, but what are we saving for?"  and "We sit and grow our roots into the floor, but what are we waiting for?" I am reminded of the fact that I am in control of my own life; that I should grow my roots in a place I love, not somewhere I feel stuck; somewhere I should not sit idly; that I should not wait, I should do. Even my worst fears are embodied in this song: "That I am just nothing, now that's just what I've become." Being forgotten, in essence to be nothing, will only happen if I let it. I take the reigns of my life and create my own story, even if it doesn't fit onto the bookshelf with everyone else's.



I continue the segment with "This is Not the End," also by The Bravery.
My favorite line in this is also from the chorus: "Not even Earth can hold us, not even life controls us, not even the ground can keep us down.," and this is everything I love about the world. This song is in musical form my feelings for everything I love: My friends, my lovers, even my goals and motivations. Where "Believe" is an emotional morale booster, an affirmation of my own beliefs and that someone out there agrees with me, "This is Not the End" is a song that gets me pumped and excited, that makes me feel ready for action. When the bridge hits and I hear the lines: "As long as you are in my heart you're just real as me. Or maybe, maybe even more. Someone who's touched so many lives can never, never die," I remember the lives I've touched, the people I've changed; who have changed me. And it's exciting. My fear of being forgotten- being nothing- dissipates every time I hear this song. With this song, I am ready to take on the world.
After all, not even Earth can hold us...

And that's all I have for this week! Catch you next week, hopefully back on schedule!

A Few Updates OR All These Challenges are Getting Ahead of Me

There are a few items I've mentioned over the past couple months that I realized I've left hanging. This week I try to tie up some loose ends and keep people up-to-date about some of my projects. 

First off let me talk about Derby Practice! Man, that was a while ago now, wasn't it? The first time I went to practice was December 18th, and I have to say: What a group of girls! They are very supportive and encouraging people. I hadn't been on skates in years, yet I did an endurance skate for fifteen minutes. Inevitably, it was during this endurance skate that I took not one fall, but at least three. After a while I was falling from exhaustion but I kept going. 
The best part? I wasn't afraid of falling. Everyone does it at some point; even experienced skaters take drives. To some extent, I almost looked forward to it, but I think it's because I was finally accustomed to being in skates again, and trusted myself a bit more. Plus, though we were left to our own designs, we were all still under the watchful eye of our coach. 
But sadly I have to admit, that first practice was also my last. I began redoubling my efforts at fight practice: Working out more, with sword and board and also without, and that left me in a pickle. Practices for Derby were Tuesdays and Sundays. SCA meetings are Tuesdays, fight practice on Sundays. At this point in my life I'm not prepared to do both. But, in the end, I got out there, and actually did something off the wall that I didn't think I'd ever get myself to do. Maybe one day in the future I'll get back into it, but that will only happen once everything stops happening on Tuesdays and Sundays.




My next update involves my 1-Year Goals I mentioned way back when. For those of you who don't remember, here's the list as it was originally posted:


1-Year Goals

• Save up money for Pennsic (Done)
• Fight War on Debt (Changed from "Save up for Grad School Tour")
• Write a fairy tale and illustrate it
• Go through Peace Corps Application Process
• Fix relationship with my mom

But the good news is, I have a few more things done. The list now looks something like this:

1-Year Goals

• Save up money for Pennsic (Done)
• Fight War on Debt (Changed from "Save up for Grad School Tour")
• Write a fairy tale and illustrate it

• Go through Peace Corps Application Process
• Fix relationship with my mom

That's right! I have a fairy tale written that now needs illustrated, and my application for the Peace Corps is submitted! Although technically I have not finished the entire "process" I count this because the application was very difficult for me to finish. I had been debating if this plan was a way for me to escape from my mother, and as such it really ripped me up as I worked on it. Once everything was finished it actually took me another week before I could push the "submit" button. But now it's done, and there's nothing I can do about it until I get the magic letter or phone call. 

The next update has to do with an item that's on my 1-Year Goal list, but isn't complete yet. I'm extremely proud of myself concerning the progress, however. I am already down to less than 1.5 grand in credit card debt. I have not been carrying my credit card- it's hiding away in a jar and I have to say the only time I miss is when I get gas. Which is a lot more often than I'd like, but what can ya do?

My last update involves my general war on "stuff." I've begun bagging up the things I've been going through, and two thirty-gallon trash bags later and I'm not even halfway through what I've gathered, which isn't even half of what I plan on going through! So yay me! I don't notice much of a difference in my room, but Sam, one of the people who initiated this whole convolutedly awesome idea, noticed some big changes not only in the amount of free space but my general organization as well. It would seem that this is going well! I've begun cataloging everything so I can write it off on my taxes after I donate it, and I'm super excited if only for the pure amount of stuff that's going on this list! My hope is to keep this up for a year or so and see what I end up with. And if I move out in that time, all of my furniture goes, except maybe my exercise ball and the papasan chair, and my bed, which stays only because it's from a long-gone relative. 

So even though I've been doing a lot of different things and trying to achieve several goals at once, I like to think that so far it's a big success! So far, so good, so let's keep on going! 

What kind of projects do you have going on right now, and how are they turning out? Are you realizing some challenges are harder than others? Let me know!

Doing The Impossible: 100 Push Ups?

At the suggestion of one of my readers I realized I should probably talk more about one of the challenges I am currently undertaking.
Near the birth of this revamped blog I decided to undertake the 100 Push Ups Challenge, which is one of the first "impossible" goals I decided to set for myself. The concept is simple: Max out push ups at the beginning of the challenge to find out your beginning level, then three times a week you do sets that slowly increase in number for a period of about six weeks. At the end of every week, you try to max out again and push yourself farther. The concept is simple enough. Sticking with it has been a challenge for me.
For the first week or so, I started out well. I did my push ups thinking this was a piece of cake for my skill level (Granted I was not doing full form push ups either. Remember the grand scheme is to get to 100 with my current form, then start over again at full form.). And then a had a case of life. I made excuses. The challenge faded. I hopped back on after a few days, but kept falling off. As far as the challenge itself goes, it has been at least a couple of weeks since I have stuck to the routine suggested on the website.

But see, that's all part of the challenge of it all. Sticking with the goal is part of the process. I was not discouraged, I saw it as part of a learning process. You learn to skate, you fall down. You learn to ride a horse, a bike, whatever, and you fall. Then you get back up and keep going. It's the same with this challenge. To be honest I've done hardly a push up in a week, and I've certainly not been sticking with the challenge, but a lot of good things have been happening as a result:

• I started working out. Not just push ups, which I don't always do, but crunches and the like that can be done in my own home.
• I've been motivated to exercise for fight practice by lifting my shield and throwing shots with my rattan sword. 
• Even though I've not kept up with the challenge, the workouts themselves have been fairly consistent.
• This of course is still going to benefit the challenge itself when I finally hop back on the proverbial horse. 

And why am I not discouraged? Because the human body is this magnificent organism that can do wonderfully surprising things. 100 push ups was a decision I made because even though it sounded impossible, it sounded like the most possible thing to accomplish as a start in my list of impossible things. Starting small like this will give me an idea of some of the pitfalls I will hit in any of my aspirations. I lose interest, take on too many other projects; in the end I lose focus. As soon as the focus returns, I'm back and ready to go. But even out of focus I'm still bringing with me positive lessons I've learned from the project. My workout routine might not be spectacular, or even that long, but I'm getting myself in the habit of working out at all. That's progress enough to be proud of! 

We all run into this problem as well. We all lose interest at some point. Is it out of boredom? Do we feel like we're not making enough progress? That in the end we'll fail? For me, it's simply that I pile too many other grand schemes on my plate at the same time. The best way to finish a project is to imagine yourself doing so. I see myself succeeding, therefore I will. It might take a while but what's a hundred push ups in the grand scheme of my life? With that in mind I know that the accomplishment will be very empowering to me, but at the same time I don't feel the rush to finish it NOW, and the results, although satisfying, I understand are going to take time. The virtues of patience and all that, as you all know. 

As I write this I do still plan on finishing the challenge, since writing this has made me realize how far behind I am! 

At this point the plan is to start from the beginning. Start by maxing out and see how much progress I have made since I began the challenge, then revamp my schedule. Five minutes a day, three days a week, is really all it takes. I can do that in the morning to wake myself up faster and relieve some grumpyness I might have. Trust me, I did that one day. Groggy, tired, and in a generally foul mood, I rolled out of bed and did four or five and was good as new for the rest of the day! But anyway, I digress.

What kind of pitfalls do you run into during a challenge? What motivations keep you going? Is the end result enough to keep you going? This time it is for me, because succeeding in this challenge will also open up several items on my list of impossible things. 

By succeeding at this challenge I will make myself more fit, possibly drop some fat and help my clothes fit better, but will also help gear me towards being more capable of handling fight practice. I have been attempting to make it to practice as well, which only helps strengthen my arms and makes the challenge easier. See how they work off each other? And all of these things, together, will make authorizing at heavy weapons easier as well, because I can focus on the tips and tricks of offense and defense instead of worrying whether or not I can pick up my sword and use it in my armor. 

Keep this in mind as you set goals: If you string goals together, achieving the big goals will become easier. The smaller accomplishments you make in the string, the more empowered and motivated you will be to get to the penultimate result.