Today is story time.
Today, I grapple with the one huge factor holding me back from dropping everything and living in my hobbit hole and going off on random adventures on the other side of the world: Guilt.
As many of you know, my mother is not well. Aside from the nurse and the aid that come in to help (one day a week) I am her primary caregiver. It's extremely frustrating, even when I'm in a good mood. Most of the time, I'm fine. Life continues as usual and all that. But more often than not, I feel burdened by her. Even though she says thank you (sometimes...rarely), I don't feel like she's really all that thankful for my help. I feel bossed around and unappreciated. Much of this many of you have heard before.
Earlier this morning, my mom told me she was trying to hide the severity of her condition for me. When I asked her why; why she didn't go back to the nursing home, she asked me what I would do, how I would pay the bills? I told her I had somewhere to go and that she shouldn't be staying around for me.
It's such a weird thing to hear those words come from my lips, as everyone I know has been telling me just that for months.
But it feels like such a big fat lie. She holds out for me so that her poor baby doesn't have to live on the street, but Gods forbid I should want to try and live on my own. Gods forbid I should do what I want: join the Peace Corps and leave my poor mother behind.
On some level, I understand.
I'm afraid of being forgotten. When I'm the only one who acts like Mom still exists, it hits close to home. And it manifests in anger and frustration. We fight, we argue, I'm always cross with her no matter what she asks. But she never just wants to talk. She's always asking for things, wanting a task of me instead of some kind of companionship. How do you fix that?
I'm afraid of being forgotten. When I'm the only one who acts like Mom still exists, it hits close to home. And it manifests in anger and frustration. We fight, we argue, I'm always cross with her no matter what she asks. But she never just wants to talk. She's always asking for things, wanting a task of me instead of some kind of companionship. How do you fix that?
Daily I grapple over trying to be there for my mom. I don't want to be there for her. And that tears me apart. I don't want to be there, because I feel caged; stifled; muzzled, even. I feel guilty about these thoughts. How I wish she would pass on peacefully, not so she didn't have to suffer, but so I don't have to deal with the problem on my own anymore.
On the other side of the coin, I realize that perhaps Mom's worsening condition is a way to keep me around. Even though she still gets worse, the hiding of it "for me" is a way to keep me from having to leave. It often makes me feel manipulated, even if it's not my mother's actual intention.
How does someone cope with these kind of thoughts? How do you keep from feeling bitter and argumentative? I have no context for this kind of thing.
And how do you juggle the need for a Non-Conformist life, that might entail leaving someone you love behind, while still letting them know you love them despite all of the stress?
How am I supposed to tell her about the Peace Corps? (That I'm even filling out the application, let alone what happens when I get accepted.) She's getting better about my adventures (she barely batted an eye when I told her I was driving to Dayton for a couple of days to see my Best Friend), but this will be my biggest yet (and I thought three months in Austria was going to give her a heart attack...)
How do I make her feel appreciated while creating an atmosphere that is positive for me?
Every day I feel guilty about all of the thoughts I have about the situation: "No one else is going to help her, so step up," followed by "but I have to live my own life," followed by "but she can't be by herself," followed by "but she acts like she's trying to keep you here, isn't that manipulative?" and over and over it goes.
Either I sacrifice my happiness for Mom's health, or send her off to a nursing home and start from scratch into Gods Know Where but with limitless possibilities.
When she told me today how she hid the severity of her condition, she did not say no to the option of a nursing home (again). But neither did she say yes. I think perhaps the biggest priority right now is knowing I have an escape plan. Perhaps that will make me feel better, help me cope, and help me realize whether or not I'm doing the right thing, because I can't be miserable forever.
On the other side of the coin, I realize that perhaps Mom's worsening condition is a way to keep me around. Even though she still gets worse, the hiding of it "for me" is a way to keep me from having to leave. It often makes me feel manipulated, even if it's not my mother's actual intention.
How does someone cope with these kind of thoughts? How do you keep from feeling bitter and argumentative? I have no context for this kind of thing.
And how do you juggle the need for a Non-Conformist life, that might entail leaving someone you love behind, while still letting them know you love them despite all of the stress?
How am I supposed to tell her about the Peace Corps? (That I'm even filling out the application, let alone what happens when I get accepted.) She's getting better about my adventures (she barely batted an eye when I told her I was driving to Dayton for a couple of days to see my Best Friend), but this will be my biggest yet (and I thought three months in Austria was going to give her a heart attack...)
How do I make her feel appreciated while creating an atmosphere that is positive for me?
Every day I feel guilty about all of the thoughts I have about the situation: "No one else is going to help her, so step up," followed by "but I have to live my own life," followed by "but she can't be by herself," followed by "but she acts like she's trying to keep you here, isn't that manipulative?" and over and over it goes.
Either I sacrifice my happiness for Mom's health, or send her off to a nursing home and start from scratch into Gods Know Where but with limitless possibilities.
When she told me today how she hid the severity of her condition, she did not say no to the option of a nursing home (again). But neither did she say yes. I think perhaps the biggest priority right now is knowing I have an escape plan. Perhaps that will make me feel better, help me cope, and help me realize whether or not I'm doing the right thing, because I can't be miserable forever.
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